Feeling Introspective

1) How old would you be if you didn’t have years to tell how old you are?

I’d be 5 schools, 1 college, 3 cities, 12 countries, 2 passports, 7 best friends, bunch of good ones, 4 mean girls, 1 poorly thought out fake tan, 4 relationships, 1 dramatic breakup, 2 sports, 1 state championship, 1 broken arm, 5 catastrophic sunburns, 1 set of braces, 2 BAD haircuts,  1 act of vandalism, 3 speeding tickets, 1 street fight, hundreds of spankings, 80 GB of photos, dozens of epic failures, tens of unexpected success stories, 4 big dreams, thousands memories and million fantasies old.

2) Which is worse, failing or never trying?

I let ‘what ifs’ eat me alive. Not knowing if I could have done, succeeded or loved a task, adventure or challenge keeps my heart and mind in turmoil much longer than it should.

3) If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Isn’t that the nature of things? Work must be done to provide the funds and resources to do the things we love. What else would motivate us to accomplish the unpleasant?

4) When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

Yes! I’ve dreamed and planned far too many big adventures that never happened. It’s time to make up for that now.

5) What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

There would be more examples of what real love and compassion is. Love doesn’t bring war and violence. Love of a team or a deity should never lead you to hate another person. Caring for each other should always take priority.

6) If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

I would see the world: meet and break bread with every single person… or die well en route to that.

7) Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

I spend my days loving and healing people whom the world has disregarded. I have the career that could not be more suited for me.

8) If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?

I think everything would have to be done with urgency! Love now. Travel now. Live as much as possible now. Sleep when I’m dead.

9) To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?

I have never done what was expected of me. I do what I want, believe in and support and not what others might demand.

10) Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Ha! Doing the right things. I am nowhere near perfectionism, but I have to love what I do!

11) You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?

In this precise situation: I tell them to zip it or go. I’ll no hear ill words spoken of someone I love. Though, I’m guilty of being a gossip, myself.

12) If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Try everything once.

13) Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Without a thought.

14) Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

Oh yes! Ex: distance running

15) What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I eat my french fries and potato chips in order of size. small to big.

16) How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?

No one is quite like me. I see the world through a very different perspective than most anyone I’ve ever met. I like for my actions to create things.

17) What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Get married and have a family. I haven’t met him. When I do, I will.

18) Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?

I hold on to the insecurities that showed up somewhere during puberty. Ha!

19) If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

Germany. I love the country, the history, the food, the language and the people. No where like it! If I had to stay in the US, it would be a toss-up between Philadelphia, Seattle and Colorado Springs.

20) Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

Yes. Because it takes at least 4 times to get it to light up at work. So necessity.

21) Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

I am a worry wart so the carefree, simple masses have my envy.

22) Why are you, you?

I’m fairly sure I’m the only one qualified for the job.  Being me is fun and completely perfect and I don’t see myself changing anytime soon.

23) Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I think yes, in general. I have always been the one to drop everything and show up when needed. One huge fault in my friendship is that I depend on invites and other people’s plans, rather than pursuing closeness with my friends… It has a tendency to result in drifting apart.

24) Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

I find it much more sad and disappointing to find yourself becoming distant with someone nearby. I have a lot of friends who are quite far away and there is still a lovely friendship to be had there.

25) What are you most grateful for?

The means by which to accomplish my goals and my dreams. I have a FANTASTIC job that pays well enough for me to travel, and lets me off whenever I ask. I like my job. I love my patients. My coworkers are like family.

26) Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

I would lose all of the old. I wouldn’t really know what I was missing, but there are so many stories to be told and pictures to look at. It would be really interesting to start with a clean slate with everyone.

27) Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

Yes! The burner is hot. You don’t have to touch it to know, for sure. It heats the water, and cooks the food.. You only need challenge truth when you carry the burden of proving it to someone else.

28) Has your greatest fear ever come true? 

My greatest fear is to never find that real, intense, passionate love, and I haven’t yet. I have faith that it is still out there, though. So I suppose it’s a negative on this one. I suppose that as long as I can see love in action around me, I’ll be okay.

29) Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?

Nope. I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast.

30) What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?

I remember most of my childhood being happy, if relatively unremarkable. There isn’t really 1 outstanding memory of blazing happiness.

31) At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

At the USA vs Mexico World Cup Qualifier. I had worn, among other things, a cape and a Captain American shield. We  were late getting into the stadium due to an INSANE line at the entry. I was sprinting though a crowd of people (complete with cape and shield) to chants of USA! USA! USA! Thinking: Right now, I feel like a super hero!

32) If not now, then when?

Not now is no longer an option.

33) If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

Nothing but a little money and a bit of pride. There isn’t really any shame in failing at something that everyone else is afraid to try.

34) Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?

When my grandmother died, I sang at the funeral, meaning that I was separated from the rest of my loved ones and that I couldn’t grieve during the ceremony for fear of not being able to stop crying to sing the song. After the ceremony a friend approached me and hugged me. I utterly broke and cried for ages. I’ve never felt closer to anyone than right then.

35) Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?

Because often those placed in positions of authority are corrupted by the power of their position. Corruption breeds only hate, greed and violence. Those followers mindless enough to follow without question are corrupted by proxy.

36) Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Yes.  There are grey areas, but there are also definite black and white. Is it always wrong to kill another person? No, I don’t think so. Is it ever right to sexually abuse a child? Nope. Never.

37) If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?

No. I love my job. I would buy a modest home and use the rest to travel and live as I see fit.

38) Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

More. I love to be busy with the things I love.

39) Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

In a month I may remember no specifics of this day, but each has its own lessons and bits of development. So, no.

40) When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?

Right now. Contemplating a move to a new city, all alone.

41) If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

If everyone included me, I would spend the day with my dog. If I would be alive, my family.

42) Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Oh, no. I don’t think I have the modesty of character to still be a nice person. I’m much better off being mildly attractive and unknown to the masses.

43) What is the difference between being alive and truly living?

One is a stone cold (or warm, if you will) fact. The other is a matter of the opinion of the person whose life is in question.

44) When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

Every. Single. Day. Over thinking or planning suck the adventure out of things.

45) If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Learning doesn’t negate the pain of failure. Only time can do that.

46) What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Talk honestly about politics.

47) When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?

When sitting on a park bench in a strange country with a virtual stranger, having one of the most open and honest conversations of my life.

48) What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

I love people. I just got to meet tons of new people and learn about their lives and their homes. It’s my favorite thing in the world.

49) In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? What about the day before that? Or the day before that?

Yesterday, no. Day before, yes. USA vs Mexico. Columbus. Dos a cero. Day before that, yes. Road trip with Nick. Kangaroos and dinosaurs.

50) Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

In the past it would be a toss-up. Right now? I’m driving this bus.

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